I need some advice
okay well here it goes. I know some of you that come by and read might actually leave a comment with this one.......at the risk of sounding shallow I am very reluctant to post this problem, but I need advice and I hope someone can help me and not judge me to much. I do know that it is a little shallow and pathetic of me!!!!
B&C, (who we will now call "J" because I no longer want to be negative even if it is just teasing around). So anyway, J and I kindof got into a discussion/little argument this morning at 4:00 AM. I slept on the couch last night so that she would be able to get some sleep cause when I am in bed with her I can't seem to keep my hands to myself and my PEEPEE in my boxers. So any way on to the discussion we had. She got up at 4:00 and I woke up and decided to go in and cuddle with her for an hour or so before I had to go to work, well I got the signals mixed up and tried messing around and ended up pissing her off which in turn made me mad too. She left the room and went out on the couch and I followed shortly after her. Well as some of you may know we don't have "relations" very often, maybe once or twice a month sometimes even once every other month well I finally found out why. In about 6 or 7 years time she has slept with over 80 people, now that isn't too big of a deal, but it is in the matter that the reason she doesn't want to have sex anymore is because she is sick of being that "type" of person. J doesn't put sex and love together to make intimacy like I do. To her sex is just sex and there is no other thought process. Well now I finally know why, she was very promiscuous before our oldest was born.
Basically what I am trying to figure out is how I can go about making her feel like intimacy (be it sexually or otherwise) between two people that love each other can be such an incredible feeling. I just don't know how or what to do to get her to realize that, I thought we had that before, but appearantly all this time it was just sex on her side and intimacy on mine.
So now that I have made myself sound less like a man. I could really use any advice anyone may have.
AND JUST TO ADD ONE MORE THING. I am not doing this for me. I am doing this for her, she is so down and depressed. I think it is because she doesn't get much sleep, but I need to start somewhere and this is where I chose to start. I want her to feel good about herself and be happy!!!!!!
WARNING:If you act like a complete ass with the advice though I will delete your comments. I don't mind negative advice or things like that but I will not deal with any personal attacks on me. I feel like shit over this enough and I don't need help feeling even more low.
on another note, Melanie has decided to shut her blog down. If you are reading this girl I hope that you come back sometime soon, but I understand if you don't. I will miss reading your work. LUV YA!
B&C, (who we will now call "J" because I no longer want to be negative even if it is just teasing around). So anyway, J and I kindof got into a discussion/little argument this morning at 4:00 AM. I slept on the couch last night so that she would be able to get some sleep cause when I am in bed with her I can't seem to keep my hands to myself and my PEEPEE in my boxers. So any way on to the discussion we had. She got up at 4:00 and I woke up and decided to go in and cuddle with her for an hour or so before I had to go to work, well I got the signals mixed up and tried messing around and ended up pissing her off which in turn made me mad too. She left the room and went out on the couch and I followed shortly after her. Well as some of you may know we don't have "relations" very often, maybe once or twice a month sometimes even once every other month well I finally found out why. In about 6 or 7 years time she has slept with over 80 people, now that isn't too big of a deal, but it is in the matter that the reason she doesn't want to have sex anymore is because she is sick of being that "type" of person. J doesn't put sex and love together to make intimacy like I do. To her sex is just sex and there is no other thought process. Well now I finally know why, she was very promiscuous before our oldest was born.
Basically what I am trying to figure out is how I can go about making her feel like intimacy (be it sexually or otherwise) between two people that love each other can be such an incredible feeling. I just don't know how or what to do to get her to realize that, I thought we had that before, but appearantly all this time it was just sex on her side and intimacy on mine.
So now that I have made myself sound less like a man. I could really use any advice anyone may have.
AND JUST TO ADD ONE MORE THING. I am not doing this for me. I am doing this for her, she is so down and depressed. I think it is because she doesn't get much sleep, but I need to start somewhere and this is where I chose to start. I want her to feel good about herself and be happy!!!!!!
WARNING:If you act like a complete ass with the advice though I will delete your comments. I don't mind negative advice or things like that but I will not deal with any personal attacks on me. I feel like shit over this enough and I don't need help feeling even more low.
on another note, Melanie has decided to shut her blog down. If you are reading this girl I hope that you come back sometime soon, but I understand if you don't. I will miss reading your work. LUV YA!
posted by Angus at 6:52 AM
13 Comments:
Let me ponder on this one... I'll email ya in a bit...
And Mel, please come back! Please!
lily, thanks. :)
m, thanks I appreciate it. No she didn't it was before my time. That is why I said "at the risk of sounding shallow" because it does sound a little shallow to worry about all that when it was before me. :)
E-mail is on the way. :)
Lois Lane
Thanks Lois. :)
I emailed ya... let me know if you don't get it. My gmail is freaky this morning...
Lily - I got it thanks. :) It may take me til tonight or tomorrow to get back to ya since I am off for the weekend and on kid duty. I will try and write back tonight after they go to bed. Kinda going through a funk ya know. Thanks again.
Hmm .. seeing as how we've slept together I don't think I'm a good person to give you advice on you and J.
I'm confused though .. We met almost 5 years ago right? .. so this 7 year time frame was before when?
Otherwise she had sex with 80 people in two years?
And it seems everytime you ever talked about her in the past .. she's never been interested in sex.
Ok .. email me .. I have too many personal questions. :P
Love ya ..
First I’ll tell you what is shallow and pathetic.
Not caring is shallow and pathetic.
Second, Pee Pee?
You have to park your dick for awhile and maybe wear briefs instead of boxers.
Show her that you are not there for just the sex and that cuddling without sex is enough to make you happy.
Go out have fun together.
Go on a holiday without the kids even if it’s just to one of the hotels for a show and a sleep over.
You have to restart you marriage.
Find what was there, when you two got started and keep it stoked.
Life becomes mundane if you slip into a routine that never changes.
It’s like a rut that you get in and end up going in the same direction.
You know what you are going to do before you even plan it because you do it all the time.
Even the intimacy becomes a chore and not a pleasure.
We tend to take our partners for granted also, it’s a bad habit that we all do until we get it in the face and it stings.
Do what she wants or likes to do.
Show her that it’s all about her no show her it’s about the two of you and everything will come your way in time, but you have to keep it going for ever.
A relationship is a lot of work and it’s also a pain in the ass sometimes but worth it.
Oh yeah, learn do drink something other than beer because unless they drink it to, they won’t want to get near you.
What she did in the past was yesterday and before you two got together. I see nothing wrong with it, some people may disagree with me but I don’t really give a shit. You can’t hold someone responsible for yesterday and she did nothing the rest of us or many of us haven’t done.
It took her awhile to find the one she wanted. Tell her that.
There is no quick fix.
Show her you care, show her you love her.
That’s all you can do.
Make her smile.
If anybody ever tells you that you are acting pathetic because you love your wife and you got your heart hanging on your sleeve, knock their teeth out and make a necklace for your her.
I hope some of this makes sense.
Good Luck
I feel that hearing one side of the story and making a comment is not fair. It is understood that this is query is for both of you, shows that both are willing to explore or root out a cause...calls for professional counselling. This is just my view.
Having read Mercy's comment and my math skills have left me with questions.
I had been taken away from my PC for a couple of hours and leaving this comment window open only to return and finish it.
Had I closed it and opened it when I returned and read what Mercy said I wouldn't have left a comment, but I left it and I don't take back what I say.
Your post and her comment have left me scratching my head and I'm sure I am not the only one.
Thanks everyone for the responses. I had the weekend to read them over and actually sit down and talk with her about things so that I understand her feelings.
Walker - sorry if you got confused with Mercy's comments. J's sex life was before her and J and I ever met. After J got pregnant with our middle child she left me and that is when Mercy and I dated. I didn't clarify things very well, my head was still a little whacked out when I wrote that post.
Thanks again everyone all of your comments helped out. Sorry if I was a little unclear and some didn't understand.
You're screwed, there really is NOTHING that YOU can do. She needs professional mental help.
Why do I say this?
When you say: "In about 6 or 7 years time she has slept with over 80 people, now that isn't too big of a deal, but it is in the matter that the reason she doesn't want to have sex anymore is because she is sick of being that "type" of person."
Two huge things there that are obvious. One, poor judgment on her part. Second, she is no longer capable of understanding that sex is a necessary part of a committed loving relationship. Without sex, it's just friendship.
If she really thinks that sex, in a committed loving relationship, makes her "that kind of person," then she is already mentally beyond your reach. Get her in to therapy.
As for you, I’m sorry, but your fucked… and not literally. There isn’t a damn thing you can do, because ANYTHING you do will probably be taken the wrong way, because, the bottom line is ANYTHING you do, no matter how sweet, loving, and innocent is always going to be seen by her as some play to get in her pants. Really. PERIOD. END OF DISCUSSION.
And you know what, it is just that, because, that’s what happens in loving relationships. Your kind to each other, your good to each other, and you have sex with each other. There is nothing wrong with your motives.
But, she will never see it that way, at least not by anything YOU do to change her mind.
She needs professional help. And outside party that can talk to her and help her, without having any risk of hitting on her or making her feel uncomfortable, embarrassed, or ashamed.
The ONLY thing you can do is figure out if you want to stick around through this, or move on. Truth is, she may never change.
Two huge things there that are obvious. One, poor judgment on her part. Second, she is no longer capable of understanding that sex is a necessary part of a committed loving relationship. Without sex, it's just friendship.
I have so many things I want to say to that PC. SooOOOOOoooo many.
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